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First Day of Fall a.k.a. Decorative Gourd Season

Nothing says Fall like a goat…

Today is the first day of Fall. Not that the weather has been paying attention-it’s felt like Fall for at least a week now. But whatever. In honor of the first day of Fall, read Colin Nissan’s hilarious (and profanity-ridden – for those of you who shock easily…this is not for you) piece on the autumn-mania that takes the best of us at this time of year, It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherf&%&ers.

“I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.””

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About francoiseeats

I'm currently working as a freelance travel and food writer, and photographer. I spent two years at StarChefs.com, the culinary on-line magazine for the industry insider. My articles have been published in New York, NY and Richmond, VA. After graduating from Columbia University and recovering from the tragedy of not being able to read Camus books for a living, I attended The Culinary Institute of America, where my scone consumption rose drastically. Fluent in French and Italian, I've worked in some of New York's top restaurants and covered food-related stories in a number of publications, from The Richmond Times-Dispatch to Time Out New York.

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